Old McBarton Had A Farm
by PassionatelyHiddlestoned
Summary: *Based on Clint's recent farmpocalypse, I had to contribute this little crack!fic to the fandom* Clint lives with his beautiful wife, Tasha, on his farm, and takes great pride in his vegetables. The stable boy, Thor, is always quick to help with jobs on the farm, but his helping doesn't always turn out very well...for Clint or his veggies. Farm AU, OS *thanks gisella89 for ideas!*


The screen door closed to the small, quaint farmhouse on the hot summer's day.

"Mornin' Clint!" Tasha McBarton said, flipping pancakes. "G'Mornin,' Tash!" Clint said, "I've got so much work to do today. I've got to farm 3 acres by sundown to collect the month's pay!" She kissed him on the cheek.

"And milk the cows, don't forget that." "Oh right, that too." "And deal with the stable boy." "What? Oh, what'd that Thor get up to now?" "He accidentally fed our supply of fresh honey to the goats." "Why do we still keep him around?" "He's friendly." "And dumb as a horseshoe." "Now, Clint McBarton, you be nice to that boy."

Clint grumbled, his bull dog-like face falling. "Alright. Anything for ma sweetie. I love ya. See you later." "Don't forget to get the eggs, Clint!" she shouted, and he nodded as he grabbed his pitchfork.

As he was passing by the barn, he found Tony the winemaker picking some grapes for his next pressing. He didn't live with them, only made their wine and got paid for it. Though, Clint observed, he was sure the man was sneaking alcohol as he made it, since he was always a little tipsy.

"Mornin', Mr. McBarton!" he called, and Clint tipped his hat at him. "The grapes are so suuuucculent this time of year, aren't they?" Tony said, closing his eyes dramatically and smelling a grape. Clint nodded, chuckling a little. "Darn right. Cause this here's the best farm this county's ever known!"

He got in the tractor, and started it up, beginning to collect some corn. He would have to get out and manually farm all of his fresh produce later, and-

*THUMP*

Clint frowned, rolling the tractor forward, and got out to see what he had run over.

"Thor?!"

"GOOD DAY, MR. MCBARTON!" the blonde man boomed, smiling and getting up as if he hadn't just been run over by a tractor. He seemed unscathed.

Clint scratched his head. "Ummm…. Yeah, sure. You okay?" "I am splendid on this fine day!" "But how?" "I am a god of Asgard! My body is built like steel!"

Clint just stared at him. "Okay, Thor. Tell you what, why don't you go grab some pancakes from the kitchen, alright?" "Will there be coffee to drink as well?" "Sure, I gues-" "JOYOUS!" he boomed, and set off toward the house beaming.

Clint just shook his head, getting back into the tractor.

After a little while, he got out, surveying the fine work he had done. He set his hands on his hips, and smiled as Thor prepared to drive the tractor back for him. Fine, fine work he had done. Fine-

*SQUISH*

Clint turned, and frowned as he saw the tractor going the wrong way. His eyes widened as he saw that Thor had just run over his entire green bean crop.

Thor got out, a distressed look on his face. "I apologize greatly for my disservice, Mr. McBarton!" Clint sighed, wanting to cry over the loss of his beautiful, fresh beans. "Just… just go see if Tasha needs any help, Thor." Thor nodded.

A little bit later, Clint was whistling a country tune as he picked tomatoes from the vine. He smiled as he examined the juicy red bulbs, and put them all into a large basket, polishing each carefully as he did. They would taste so good for supper.

He finally strode across the yard from the garden, and just as he was about to come in the door, a horse came barrelling at him from the stable at full speed, knocking him a few feet and sending the tomatoes flying in the air.

*SPLAT* *SPLAT* *SPLAT* *SPLAT*

They all fell.

Clint looked up, face twisted in confusion.

"MR. MCBARTON! Are you alright?!" Thor asked, rushing over, "I was grooming the horses, and this one ran free!" Clint looked from Thor to all the red splotches on the yard that used to be his tomatoes. His lower lip trembled, and his eyes watered a little at the sight of his shiny, gorgeous tomatoes destroyed.

The farmer sighed. "I'm okay, Thor. Just… just go see if the roof needs cleaning, okay?" The stable boy nodded quickly, and leapt off.

Clint got up, and put his straw hat back on. It had pieces of tomato on the brim. He sighed again.

About an hour later, Clint was very pleased with himself. He had dug up an assorted bowl of different sized carrots, and oh, were they crisp looking. He took a bite of one, wiping the dirt off. "That's tasty Clint," he prided himself, "These little babies will be a fine dinner."

He happily sauntered down the path, carrying his basket of carrots. "Hey Tasha!" he called, "Look at these beautiful carro-"

Just then, he was cut off by a huge pail of soapy water falling on his head, crushing him and the carrots underneath the weight. He groaned as he took the bucket off of his head, and spat out soapy liquid. He looked down at his carrots, and sniffed. They were badly mangled, and were covered in dirty soot and soap.

"MR. MCBARTON!" Thor called from the roof, and Clint looked up wearily. "I APOLOGIZE ONCE MORE!" Clint rubbed his forehead. "It's…" he sighed, "It's alright, Thor. Why don't you go collect the eggs for me, alright? That would be a big help. Wait- on second thought- I don't want you around eggs. Just feed the chickens, okay?" Thor nodded, and jumped off the high roof, leaving Clint to frown down at his broken vegetables.

It was almost sundown now, and Clint had been working in the bees nests. He hummed to himself, gathering the last bit of honey, and put a lid on the jar he had loosely, since it got stuck easily.

As he walked back to the house one final time that night, he suddenly stopped, looking around.

_No Thor over here…. No Thor over there…. No Thor up there…. _

_Alright, _he decided_, I'm safe. _

He went down the dirt road back to his vegetable garden leading to the house. And what he saw, made his mouth drop.

There, in his beautiful, award-winning, prized garden, were the entire contents of his barn, the animals eating his produce.

His breath caught, and he began to breathe abnormally.

Just as he was about to look around for Thor, something slammed into him from behind, sending the honey up into the air, letting the lid fly off. The sweet nectar fell onto Clint's head, and the farmer fell face first into the garden, where about a dozen chickens were resting.

He sat up, with a bunch of white feathers sticking to his face and head through the thick honey. He wiped his eyes so he could see, and saw who he knew he was going to find.

Thor.

"The door did not hold! I'm so sorry, Mr. Mc-" "Save your apology, Thor," Clint said, and he stood up, trying but failing to wipe all the feathers off of him. "Firstly, get these goats and pigs out of my sugar peas, and secondly- GET OFF MY FARM!"

Thor looked down, and nodded.

Clint huffed as he walked back to the farmhouse, entering looking like a pillow.

"Clint! What happened to ya?!" "THOR happened to me, Tasha!" "What do you mean?" "I mean our stable boy is not only as dumb as a horseshoe, he's as destructive as an ox!" "Oh, take that back!" "I won't! He has hurt my precious produce…I fired him." Natasha frowned.

"I want you to go out there and tell Thor he can stay on." "_What?!"_ "You heard me. He's an honest worker. Accidents happen, Clint!" Clint's lip trembled once again, and he trudged back out, talking to Thor.

That night, they dined on frozen dinners from the local supermarket….

And Clint, Tasha, (and Thor!) lived happily ever after on the practically desecrated McBarton farmstead.

THE END


End file.
